Spiders

Spiders don't bother me, really they don't. I think they are beautiful and a necessary part of the ecosystem. I wish no harm upon my eight legged friends. If one gets in the house I carefully scope it up with a cup and piece of paper and toss it outside. It might not thank me for throwing it outside into the cold, but the other option is for me to squish it or let my dog it eat, I don't want them in my house. Because there is actually one thing that freaks me out about spiders, well two things.

The first thing is that they have a nasty habit of dropping down from the ceiling and getting up in my face. One of all that's just rude, I don't hang out is spider's webs and drop in on them while they're trying to watch Doctor Who. Two, even it there wasn't a spider, if I walk into something and feel like I'm getting tangle up in something I can't see, I'm going to freak out a little. Spider web may have many uses but I don't want to be caught in the stuff.


The second thing, and more importantly the thing that I like least about spiders is that they are sneaky little assholes. Spiders should make some kind of noise when they are around just to let you know "yo bro, i'm a spider and I'm creepin up your pillow right now."

Last night I got jumped by this guy

This image is to scale.

I was sitting in bed with the lights out typing a note into my phone when i felt something on my arm. Instead of just brushing it off without a second thought, I decided that it was a good idea to shine the light from my phone on to my upper arm where I felt the itch. I freaked out.

There was a four or five inch spider climbing up my arm and was almost sitting on my shoulder, six inches away from my face. I lost all common sense for a minute and tried to use my phone like a baseball bat to knock it across the room. Which failed miserable, because then I realized I most likely only knocked the spider onto the top of my blankets and it was obviously going to come back for round two.

I was wrong. Freaking out even more think the spider was going to end me and my family, I jumped out of bed and hit the lights causitouly approaching the bed. At first I didn't see anything so I gingerly picked up my blankets and started to shake them out a bit, feeling a little worried, because I wasn't finding anything. I was trying to be hopeful., Maybe I had knocked him across the room? About this time I felt another itch on my shoulder closer to the inside of my neck.

Through all of my flailing and smashing the spider had never been dislodged, it was still firmly attached to my person and seemed content to take up residency on my shoulder. My shoulder had no vacancy though, so still freaked out I brushed the eight legged intruder off my shoulder making him finally fell off. 

He then proceeded to crawl under my bed where I couldn't get to. My compassion for spiders at this point was a zero. This one jerk was ruining it for them all. After about five minutes of searching for the jerky spider I gave up. The chances that I was going to find a spider the color of my carpet at midnight only using the light from my cellphone was slim. 

Fearing the spider would later decided to come out and once again jump me, I blocked off all the underneath areas around my bed with extra blankets. Silly yes, Did I feel better? A little, but not really. The rest of the night my dreams were plagued by dreams of armies of spiders crawling on me while I slept. At one point I woke up extremely convinced that the spider had laid eggs over my bed and it's children were now creeping over me while I laid in bed.

I should have just slept on the couch.

Completely Spider Free!

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